Say nothing, act casual.

Merry new year!

Lots of things have changed since I typed last. Where to begin??! Ah yes, let’s begin with the mundane and hopefully it will wind up being at least mildly interesting overall.

Work is going through yet another transitional phase, and not an exciting one. It’s generally pretty dull. However, it has allowed me a fair amount of freedom, both of responsibility and of the mind. No longer am I completely concerned with work. It’s an enormous relief. 

Last semester was a clear demonstration that I need to more effectively prioritize. Despite drinking the least amount of alcohol since enrolling at Owens, I managed to fail a class, which is remarkably unlike me, on both counts. Clearly, something had to give. Classes are back in session for the spring semester, and I have an ambitious course load, but I am nearing graduation, and the time to refocus is now. I am hoping my newfound life stability will assist me.

In the last few weeks, I have moved in with my significant other. It was a brazen move for both of us, but the timing could not be ignored. It is a mutually beneficial situation financially for both of us, but I think we are both going into this endeavor with our eyes wide open. It is an exciting time for me, in that I am both completely comfortable and absolutely terrified at the same time. I know that every experience in life has merit, and I know this will prove the same, hopefully in a positive way. But I cannot deny the fear.

I had a spectacular new years. I went with my partner to visit a friend in Chicago, and I must confess, having only been exposed to the city for a brief time, I absolutely fell in love with it. There was some chatter of moving there, but that is far off in the distance. Perhaps upon completion of my schooling? At any rate, while in Chicago we saw The Black Keys at the Aragon Ballroom. Delightful show. I do believe the show in Detroit was better, but it was still completely worth it.

At least, this “people” is hoping to over winter break. I have a short list of books I would like to read, and only about three weeks to do so. It’s been ages since I spent any time reading, and frankly, I am concerned. My brain needs the exercise. I’ve noticed so many problems with concentration lately…  oooh… kitty…. 

Wait.

Anyway. In typical news, I am about to go slowly insane from homework. 

I am also thinking quite a lot these days. About the world, and my place in it. How terribly dull, I know, but I rather enjoy my recent anonymity. As a girl that ha hot pink hair for eight years, this is my longest stretch of being so completely pedestrian, and I rather like it. I like not being noticed, not being known, just carving out my little space in this place we all consume. 

The most acute source of my disdain, however, is work. I realize that is a universal torment, and with this particular job I have endured it a long while, but I have been thinking of it in a much larger scope than I had previously. I credit my recent companion for this wider perspective. It has been a breath of fresh air, to be able to articulate to someone else the depth and berth of my discontent and malaise. I loathe the fact that employers generally think of workers as stupid, and while I am not educated, I certainly am not stupid, which unfortunately for my superiors means that I can hear both the lies they are telling me and the truth of what it actually means.  I know how they perceive me. Too much trouble to promote, too unpredictable; yet they are pleased with my work and the bottom line is it is simply more cost effective to keep me then to usher me out.  There was a time when that really bothered me. That time has passed. I simply do not care anymore. I care about making my time at work as pleasant as possible while avoiding any overall problems or policy violations, and then I go home. I go home to a life that is rich with people and experiences (and far too many responsibilities, but alas, I love them).

Now all I really want is time. 

In the last few months, a new character has been introduced into this ironic comedy that is my life.  He is a startling human being, and I mean that as the highest compliment. 

He is completely independent, with his own complete life, friends, interests, and schedule. And that is of the utmost importance to me. For a long time now, I have avoided “stuff.” I barely have a grip on my own “stuff,” and the thought of adding another person’s to mine just seemed absolutely overwhelming and as such, I actively avoided dating. I told a dear friend of mine I was going to get “Out of Order” tattooed over both my heart and my vagina, since they had both clearly failed in guiding my choices. Oh, and don’t get me started on my “brains.” Pffft. 

That said, I have never been one to dismiss a friendship based on “stuff.” Since I have so many male friends, when I met this particular one, I wasn’t concerned about cutting the relationship off at the knees. I just figured, hey, we’ll be friends. That’s easy, right? 

I liked him immediately. That was a bit scary. According to those that know both of us, we are both “at 11,” but to be perfectly honest, I have never thought my volume was quite that high. High, sure, but I have never really “got” what it is that people find so shocking about me. Well, he is more or less the same. Outspoken, and well spoken. Nothing is more attractive to me than a smart man, and he certainly is. 

The beginning scared me so much. I was determined to break it off. I had to! My last relationship had left me so confused, I could no longer recognize the signs that a relationship was progressing well. Without an emotional barometer, I decided I needed to take myself out of the game. Yet, every time we were together, and I was determined to break it off, I simply couldn’t. I had a major crush, and…. I didn’t want it to end. Especially because I was scared. I have always said I will not live my life in fear, and damn it, I mean it. I don’t want to submit to fear. Not in anything. 

So, I let go.

I stopped worrying about every goddamn tiny little detail. I relaxed. I took him on a road trip, closed up in a car for 24+ hours round trip. And when we got back, it was…. perfect. 

The last month has been fantastic. I realize this is the beginning, and everything is perfect and nothing bothers anyone during this time, but I am treasuring every damn bit of it.  I am still a little scared, in ways. Of the usual stuff. But…. it doesn’t feel irrational. It is normal relationship issues. 

I love that doesn’t need me for anything. He wants me around. He doesn’t need me to take care of him. He can do that for himself. And he has been there for me, which is a huge change. He listens, he cares, and he doesn’t need me to babysit him. He has his own (strong) opinions, his own friends, and his own life. He is a complete person. And I am very happy to know him, whatever this road may take me. 

There was a friendship I clung to so tightly. I convinced myself that we would be friends forever. 

This person started letting me go well over a year ago. Slowly. Now, the friendship is gone. A whisper. Vanished. No explosive argument, just a soft, slow slip into nonexistence.

And I don’t care at all. I’m completely comfortable with it. And that strikes me as odd. But I have no desire to “correct” it. The life cycle of our relationship has expired, and we have both moved on to new things in our lives.

I’m glad that life keeps moving, keep changing. Some day soon, I will collect my thoughts and type away about the wonderful people in my life currently. But not today. 

Lately, I have found myself in the middle of everything. A significant amount of change has blown through my personal life, and to be perfectly honest, it has really shaken me. I am constantly reevaluating who I am, what is good about me, and what my shortcomings are.

I often make reference to myself as a super stellar human example, but the fact is, I was always much more truthful when I claimed to be perfectly average in every way. In some ways, less than average. I don’t have anything I hold onto dearly. Not ideas, beliefs, money, people, dreams. Nothing is permanent, despite my wanting it to be.

I have had an eye opening experience. I had the same feeling that I had in high school, when all the other girls were, well, different than I was. I had the same feeling I have when I meet people that are younger than I am and have accomplished so much more. It’s not quite failure, so much as just not being good enough. I know the mistakes I have made, and I often say I wouldn’t change a thing, but that is an absolute lie. I would change it all. If nothing else, for a new adventure. 

I don’t believe in getting it “right.” But you can bet I believe in fucking it the hell up, and I have done that. I have been considering a severe withdrawal from everyone and everything in my life, and while it is so tempting, I simply do not want to lose it all. I am not the same Michelle Fucking Rose I was last year, and while my reinvention is constant, if I shut everyone out, my reinvention will be mandatory. I know I need to get my fucking head on straight, and that is pretty tough right now, but I am hopeful that it is going to even out just fine. 

I am constantly comparing myself to everyone around me, and I simply…. do not meet my own standards.