Say nothing, act casual.

Lately, I have found myself in the middle of everything. A significant amount of change has blown through my personal life, and to be perfectly honest, it has really shaken me. I am constantly reevaluating who I am, what is good about me, and what my shortcomings are.

I often make reference to myself as a super stellar human example, but the fact is, I was always much more truthful when I claimed to be perfectly average in every way. In some ways, less than average. I don’t have anything I hold onto dearly. Not ideas, beliefs, money, people, dreams. Nothing is permanent, despite my wanting it to be.

I have had an eye opening experience. I had the same feeling that I had in high school, when all the other girls were, well, different than I was. I had the same feeling I have when I meet people that are younger than I am and have accomplished so much more. It’s not quite failure, so much as just not being good enough. I know the mistakes I have made, and I often say I wouldn’t change a thing, but that is an absolute lie. I would change it all. If nothing else, for a new adventure. 

I don’t believe in getting it “right.” But you can bet I believe in fucking it the hell up, and I have done that. I have been considering a severe withdrawal from everyone and everything in my life, and while it is so tempting, I simply do not want to lose it all. I am not the same Michelle Fucking Rose I was last year, and while my reinvention is constant, if I shut everyone out, my reinvention will be mandatory. I know I need to get my fucking head on straight, and that is pretty tough right now, but I am hopeful that it is going to even out just fine. 

I am constantly comparing myself to everyone around me, and I simply…. do not meet my own standards.