Say nothing, act casual.

In the last few months, a new character has been introduced into this ironic comedy that is my life.  He is a startling human being, and I mean that as the highest compliment. 

He is completely independent, with his own complete life, friends, interests, and schedule. And that is of the utmost importance to me. For a long time now, I have avoided “stuff.” I barely have a grip on my own “stuff,” and the thought of adding another person’s to mine just seemed absolutely overwhelming and as such, I actively avoided dating. I told a dear friend of mine I was going to get “Out of Order” tattooed over both my heart and my vagina, since they had both clearly failed in guiding my choices. Oh, and don’t get me started on my “brains.” Pffft. 

That said, I have never been one to dismiss a friendship based on “stuff.” Since I have so many male friends, when I met this particular one, I wasn’t concerned about cutting the relationship off at the knees. I just figured, hey, we’ll be friends. That’s easy, right? 

I liked him immediately. That was a bit scary. According to those that know both of us, we are both “at 11,” but to be perfectly honest, I have never thought my volume was quite that high. High, sure, but I have never really “got” what it is that people find so shocking about me. Well, he is more or less the same. Outspoken, and well spoken. Nothing is more attractive to me than a smart man, and he certainly is. 

The beginning scared me so much. I was determined to break it off. I had to! My last relationship had left me so confused, I could no longer recognize the signs that a relationship was progressing well. Without an emotional barometer, I decided I needed to take myself out of the game. Yet, every time we were together, and I was determined to break it off, I simply couldn’t. I had a major crush, and…. I didn’t want it to end. Especially because I was scared. I have always said I will not live my life in fear, and damn it, I mean it. I don’t want to submit to fear. Not in anything. 

So, I let go.

I stopped worrying about every goddamn tiny little detail. I relaxed. I took him on a road trip, closed up in a car for 24+ hours round trip. And when we got back, it was…. perfect. 

The last month has been fantastic. I realize this is the beginning, and everything is perfect and nothing bothers anyone during this time, but I am treasuring every damn bit of it.  I am still a little scared, in ways. Of the usual stuff. But…. it doesn’t feel irrational. It is normal relationship issues. 

I love that doesn’t need me for anything. He wants me around. He doesn’t need me to take care of him. He can do that for himself. And he has been there for me, which is a huge change. He listens, he cares, and he doesn’t need me to babysit him. He has his own (strong) opinions, his own friends, and his own life. He is a complete person. And I am very happy to know him, whatever this road may take me.