Say nothing, act casual.

Jesus, I haven’t typed anything here in ages. Part of the problem is, while I am completely public here, I want to protect the privacy of those in my life, so I am reluctant to comment on specific incidents and people, and let’s face it - life is a series of incidents with people. So, I will still attempt to deliver the honesty that I have maintained here, without exposing anyone in my wake.

I have been waiting for a change with my job for, well, technically six years, but for argument’s sake I’ll say a month. I am sick of thinking about it, talking about it, speculating, dreaming, being nervous, and I just want the decision to be made so I can get.the.fuck.ON.with.my.LIFE.  Hopefully a decision is coming in the next two weeks, but in the meanwhile, I am in Purgatory. I am using the time to shy away from the responsibility I usually take on at work and refocus on the other aspects of my life that are often neglected.

I have been enjoying the company of many different people the last few weeks. I have stumbled across some gems lately, and I cherish them all. I have always loved my ability to love and appreciate those around me without putting requirements on the duration and expectation of our relationship - simply put, I am thankful for whatever little piece of life we can share. 

Again, no names, but there is one person that has eased into my life and really changed my perspective on things for the better. I find him so dynamic and intelligent. He makes me think about a lot of things I have never given much thought to - he has a lot of opinions, and in a general sense, I agree with them, but I had never really given them much thought. He makes me want to read more, and be more. I have thrown away a lot of time in my life, and I have always despised that about myself, and yet, I attract others that do the same when I seek the opposite. While I wouldn’t say he seizes every moment by the balls, I will say he uses his time for things that are worthwhile, and that is something I treasure in people, generally.  I also enjoy that he doesn’t demand of me, and I feel we enjoy our time together, limited as it may be. He helps me keep my focus, and he is excellent at giving honest feedback, which I need - I always prefer the truth over fluff, and he is honest and calculating in his responses. I hope he enjoys our exchanges as much as I do.

Another person in my life lately has had a huge impact on me over the last year, and we are closer than ever. We have a regular time to chat, and every time, we connect on a very honest level. He is nurturing and supportive, and he always has my best interests at heart. He was the most unlikely of friends, and I hope we are friends for the rest of our days.

One other person has been impacting me lately, and I am hoping it is for the good, but I am often waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I want to believe that we now have the relationship we are supposed to have, but there is always some underlying current there that makes me uncertain. I want to believe in it, but for now, I will simply cherish this period of stability and support we are bringing to each other. I have always felt like I have given too much to him, and he simply didn’t care. It is a challenging relationship, and I am trying so hard to walk the fine line.

I have met some other people lately, and I have opened myself up to a lot of new experiences in the last few months. I am so glad that I took away my safety net. I know that somewhere along the way I will get hurt, but I won’t get anywhere in life wearing pads and shielding myself from everything. There need to be a number of calculated risks, and I am trying to position myself to really grow this year, make some changes that will ultimately make me a stronger, smarter, more organized person in the future.

I have taken some brave financial steps as well, which will unfortunately put my in a micromanaged economic condition for now, but will pay off in a quantifiable way for the next calendar year. I have goals, and fiscal responsibility now will only reward me later, even if I feel slighted by it. I must pay for my previous financial sins, and create some stability for the next undertakings I have planned. I have never had a lot of money, but that is no excuse for laissez-faire attitude.

In short, I am seeing my life with new eyes. And while it is scary and very, very real, I am changing and adapting, and I hope it pays off in the future. I want to be the best me I can be. And yes, I know that sounds lame.