Say nothing, act casual.

I feel like it’s been awhile since I’ve put anything here, and to be honest, it’s really been because I wasn’t sure what I should put on display. I always do my best to keep identities a secret, but I am also aware that anyone can read this and perhaps decipher it.

I find myself still wrestling with things that, quite frankly, I just need to let go of. I need to take things at face value and dismiss them as such, but I just always believe there is so much more going on (and there very well could be) however, it really isn’t relevant - it is a mystery that I will never solve. I simply do not have access to the information I need. I find this has left a morose undertone lately, and I am trying to shake it off, and shed that skin.  It isn’t contributing anything to my being, and for fuck’s sake, I’m not Catholic, so the guilt and self doubt have no place here.

As one phase is winding down, another is opening wide. A person from my past has reemerged with a bang. I have known this person for about three years, and we have maintained a friendship (with blurred lines) for the entire time, with ebbs and flows in our communication. Open the fucking floodgates, because here it comes. Feelings laid out, castles drawn in the sky, hope, recklessness, abandon, and irrationality. It’s strange to feel like I am sitting in the eye of a storm - completely calm, while bearing witness to all the insanity around me, and waiting for it all to hit me.  There are a lot of little steps to take, and a lot of really, really big scary ones if this is to move forward - the comfort is that it has remained in a safe state all this time, and the worst case scenario is that this is all there will be. But I want to do something crazy, something unlike me. I have always been so grounded, so stable, so….. boring. And I would love to just do something almost irrational. On a whim. And see where the storm blows me, and how well I stand up to it. I know I will be a better person for it.  

Also, on a completely selfish note, I have a strong urge to run away from this life, and reincarnate myself. I have so much history here, and it is a double edged sword. Sometimes I just want to drop off the face of the earth, never to be seen again.  Alternatively, I have some really stellar people around me.  

I just hope that my efforts, in all of these areas, are not in vain.