Say nothing, act casual.

My personality has always been thinly veiled. I was picked on a lot as a child, as I assume many were, and I was forced to react. I often put off an air of aggressiveness, to cut the bullies off at the pass so to speak. While my attitude has softened over the years, and as the bullies have fallen to the wayside, apparently the intensity of personality has not. I was not all that aware of it until recently. 

The last year of my life has brought irrevocable change. The people I have met have made all of the difference. I have the extreme fortune of surrounding myself with honest people, and what they have expressed to me is that I can be, well, a lot. As lame as it could be, I will copy the description I posted of myself on Facebook: 

“I try to do the right thing, I try to be nice, I care too much, I laugh too loud, I feel too intensely, I love to easily, I cry too often, and basically I have the volume turned up way too high. And most of the time, I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

This is it. I stand behind that statement. I respect my dear friends that tell me when the volume is up to high, because I simply do not know. 

I have met someone that doesn’t think the volume is up too high. This person doesn’t seem to be bothered, shocked, offended, or inhibited by any of the things I say or do. And it is spectacular. I have become so hyper sensitive to how I make others feel since I became aware of my… issues, and to have someone not be upset by them at all is such a massive relief, I almost feel myself falling into it, the intensity that is, slipping into it like a soft glove. I feel oddly comfortable, while still feeling a little unsure. I find myself questioning myself so much less, and just letting it all go. The fear is still nagging in the back of my mind, but so much less than it had been in the past. It’s a tiny little warning instead of sirens and red flashing lights. 

I have always felt that one of my best qualities was to take the little piece that a person can give me and make the most of it, and this is no exception. I have a good feeling that this little piece will last a long time, and give me so much in return. 

The aspects of my life that really mean anything to me are all in order. The other items are of little overall consequence, and I am blissfully ignoring them in favor of the fantastic personal opportunities I have. I will seize as many as I can hold onto, and savor every morsel. 

My life is a complicated delight. And I am thankful for it.